Pray like you mean it!!!!!!

So my birthday is over and I am now closer to 40 then I ever thought I would be. Aughuagh.. The shear thought of it makes me just want to throw up my hands and say okay when do I get my new body??? Oh yeah not until Heaven. Seems so far away. So Scott and I have been working on having a baby. I know many of you who read this are close enough to us, I am not telling you anything you don't already know. But I woke up this morning and thought... Why am I not praying like he is going to answer? I mean pray like God this is your promise and desire for us. To increase our number and multiply.
I went to Glory babes (changed the name so it won't show up on the internet) because Wendy wanted me to. Of course this is a for sure step into (hello my name is tina nickel and I have a problem). Now, no one understands but the few who are walking this road with me. It's a support group for women who have miscarriages and are dealing with infertility. So Wendy talks me into going for another friend who is having troubled times but so much worse off then Scott and I. She let's me know she will be about thirty minutes late. GREAT!!!! I get to go by myself. So I go to support her and it was tough. My fear was someone would ask me the worse question "Why are you here?" HELLO>>>>> what is Glory babes people? So then the second worse thing that would happen someone i know is there from a class I am in at church. NICE! She mentions to me..."Hi, we were hoping you guys wouldn't be in this class." YEAH US TOO!!! But as I am sitting there going.. why am I here.... I see my friend walk in and we make eye contact. I see her need for someone to understand and then this guy starts sharing his heart. Oh, I about lost it! Then the leader starts to speak and her words are so comforting. My heart warms with her sweet care and understand of the pain I am feeling. How every month it's a loss and there is no comfort but a small hope for the next month. She mentions how there are pains that are real when you find out you are not and then a friend calls about how she just found out she is pregnant. Ouch!!! You look in a People Magazine and every person has a baby or two. You walk through the grocery store and there are mothers with there babies just smiling away at YOU!
So she nails it, right! I am like wow!! I go over to my friend and we hug.. a very long time. There were three of us who were dealing with the same issue. We shared our pains and views. The leader came over and she listened. She was super sweet. I guess I knew I was suppose to be there. I love my friend. I guess my pride was just so strong I didn't want to believe or stop believing Scott and I can have children. Life deals us all different hands. I am wondering what miracle baby he has for us, that is taking so long.
I long for this child. I sing and pray. I read Hannah's prayer and I vow to God this child will make a differents and be a mighty warrior for your kingdom. Yet, I don't know if I mean it! I want this child for myself. To hold and love. Share memories, take to school, teach to read! But do I want this child for God's purpose or my own. HMMMMMM.... I guess it's God who knows my heart. I need to show him I am a good example. I haven't been reading, studying and challenging myself. Have I already given up? What motivates me to do His will or just sit around waiting for him to finally say... aahhahhhh... she isn't going to lead this child. How can I pray like I mean it. Live like I mean it! Worship like I mean it... Even when I am painfully upset with God. I can't. I need to pray God will show me to release this anger and love Him through this time. I know... this is not the path God wants me on.
Scripture does not clearly state God's purpose in creating the universe, we must be careful not to presume that it was done solely for human benefit. There is no room for false pride. We are pilgrims not tourist in this world. Here is a good quote "We might also recognize that God has called us to lives of difficult paradox, of painful negotiation between conflicting and competitive values, of seeking to cooperate with God wherever he is at work. Such a position, full of ambiguity and irony, is also full of faith and hope" Romans 8:37 This is a faith that God can be trusted and honored even when the way is dark and confusing, and a hope God works all things together for the good. (Christianity Today)
I keep holding my Saviors hand.